


stoplights. (there’s no you in Germany)

by sunnynana



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers (sorta), Implied Sexual Content, Jaemin is like 19 and jeno is like 19 or 20 idk sorry jeno i was too lazy to give you a specific age, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Road Trips, a little bit of drinking, best friends who are painfully in love, bye, drunk nana makes an appearance briefly, enjoy, i was so nervous to post this, idk how to format things on here dont judge if it's messed uppp, split into two parts bc it is tooo long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:53:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnynana/pseuds/sunnynana
Summary: From the very start of the road trip, Jeno assumed that dropping Jaemin off at the airport wouldn't feel real.But as he slows to a stop in the crowded, stress-inducing drop off zone, it is all too real. He can’t lie to himself anymore. Jaemin is really leaving.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hotlinehaechan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotlinehaechan/gifts).



> Hi wow, i'm finally posting something here. I finished this back in September and am honestly pretty proud of it but I've been so sosososososo nervous to post it anywhere. i posted it somewhere for like a day but took it down. but here I am, I'm trying now.

Jaemin has his heart set on Germany.

But he also has his heart set on the one sitting next to him, the one who is driving the car. The one who doesn’t have sex. Ever. He is bad and stupid. 

“Jeno,” he says the name of the one he has his heart set on, hoping to catch his attention despite how focused he is on navigating these unfamiliar roads. 

The two best friends have set out on an adventure, an almost month-long road trip that has no certain destination. The only goal is to enjoy their last month together as much as they possibly can before Jaemin flies out of Jeno’s life.

“Yeah?” Jeno responds quicker than Jaemin had expected. 

The tone of Jeno’s voice is expectant as if he’s 100% sure that Jaemin is about to ask him a question. It’s then that Jaemin realizes that he really doesn’t have a question for Jeno. He doesn’t even have a statement for him. He wraps his arms around his stomach as he comes to the realization that he simply just wanted to say Jeno’s name. 

But he won’t let Jeno know that, so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, a dramatic whine of, “I’m sleepy,” accompanied by an equally dramatic pout.

Jeno chuckles, glancing away from the road briefly to make sure he catches a glimpse of Jaemin’s over-the-top pout. Whenever Jaemin whines or complains, there is always a babyish pout to go with it, and Jeno always loves to see that pout. Something about the way Jaemin stuck his bottom lip out much too far is just adorable to him. 

And Jaemin is well aware of that, so he sometimes uses his pout for evil, which in his eyes is pouting at Jeno until he buys him something, or hugs him, or does anything he wants at that moment. 

“I think we’ll be at the motel soon. Why’d you pick one so far away from the last place, anyway?” 

“You’re the one who wanted to keep driving so I figured I’d give us a long ride for today!” Jaemin rebuttals, raising his voice comically but eventually lets out a sigh of defeat. “But now I’m bored and sleepy.” 

Jeno chuckles again. He can’t help his amusement whenever Jaemin complains. It makes Jaemin upset sometimes when Jeno doesn’t take his complaints seriously enough for his liking, but a part of him secretly likes the fond laugh that leaves Jeno’s mouth whenever he reacts to a complaint. 

“You know you can sleep in the car, right?” 

“Well yeah, but it’s so hard to fall asleep in cars!” Jaemin whines, dragging his words out for maximum effect. 

“You are such a diva,” says Jeno with a shake of his head and a fond smile. 

Jaemin scoffs and sends his best friend a dirty look before leaning back against the passenger seat, tilting his head to watch the small-town scenery as they pass it. To his surprise, their brief conversation flowed so naturally that it felt as if Jaemin had planned to have that conversation the entire time, despite the fact that it started with the first complaint that popped into his head. He certainly has Jeno fooled, and truthfully, he’s almost managed to fool himself as well. 

In Jaemin’s eyes, it’s easy to fool Jeno. 

Sometimes he might even go as far as to say that Jeno is a fool because he’s almost surprised that over all these years, Jeno still hasn’t realized that he has Jaemin’s heart. 

But Jeno truly doesn’t know that Jaemin has his heart set on him. Jaemin figures he can’t be too shocked that Jeno hasn’t caught on yet, because he swears that he won’t let the secret out, and he’s confident in himself, maybe a little too confident, that Jeno will never find out. At least, not directly from him. 

The moment that Jaemin realized he had feelings for Jeno was the same moment that he decided that nothing would never and could never happen between them. He already had his heart set on going to college in Germany. Germany has called to his heart since he visited the country as a child, and he would never let himself give up on his dream of a future in Germany, especially when that dream was only a few days away from becoming a reality since he and Jeno’s last month together is soon to come to a depressing close. 

Jaemin has never been able to handle the idea of confessing to Jeno, dating him, and eventually having to break the brown-haired boy’s heart just so he could move to Europe. 

“Okay,” Jeno’s voice startles Jaemin, causing him to jump a little in his seat as he turns his attention to his best friend. Only a few minutes have passed since Jaemin complained about being sleepy and bored.

“We’re pretty much here,” Jeno continues. 

“Good. I crave a bed.” 

Jeno pouts, resisting the urge to turn and face his best friend and instead focusing on making a safe right turn. “Are you really gonna sleep and leave me up all by myself?” 

“Relax,” Jaemin drawls. “I’ll just take, like, a thirty-minute nap. After that, we can walk around and get some dinner or something.” 

Jaemin smiles sweetly. Jeno doesn’t see the smile before it leaves Jaemin’s face, but somehow he senses that familiar, comforting smile that he loves so much, so he smiles too. He’s always appreciated Jaemin’s ‘comfort smiles,’ as he likes to refer to them, and he can say with confidence that Jaemin is the only person who could make him feel at ease with just a simple facial expression. 

Soon after, Jeno pulls into the small, gravel parking lot of the motel. Jeno frowns. The dirtied exterior of the motel that was clearly intended to be painted white but is now tainted with brown and grey makes him uncomfortable. 

“Jeno?” comes Jaemin’s voice, startling Jeno despite the soft tone the blonde uses.“You okay? You’re like, weirdly staring at the building. It’s not much to look at, is it?”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Jeno mutters immaturely. “It’s not much to look at at all. Like, it just looks kinda… dirty, don’t you think?” 

Jaemin can’t help but scoff and chuckle at his best friend’s picky taste in hotels. This wasn’t the first place Jeno has complained about on their trip, and every time Jeno complains, whether it be that the coffee in the lobby isn’t flavorful enough or that the next-door neighbors are too loud, Jaemin finds it endearing. 

“Don’t be such a baby, Jen. Let’s go in now before I fall asleep right now and make you carry me up to our room.” 

“I wouldn’t have any problem with carrying you.” 

_I don’t have a problem with you carrying me either _, Jaemin thinks, _but if you carry me it might be a problem for my heart. _____

____——————————————————————_ _ _ _

____“I just can’t believe we’re staying here.”_ _ _ _

____Jaemin rolls his eyes as he enters the room before Jeno, practically having to waddle in from the weight of his suitcase and his backpack. Jeno warned him not to overpack, but that just happens to be Jaemin’s unbreakable habit. At least, Jaemin likes to call it unbreakable, but he and Jeno are both well aware that he has barely made an effort to break it in the first place._ _ _ _

____“I mean, we just stayed at a 4-star hotel for three days!” Jeno continues, kicking the loud door shut behind him and setting his one bag down. “This is such a downgrade.”_ _ _ _

____“And you say _I’m _a diva?” Jaemin giggles. He sets his backpack on the foot of the bed and leaves his suitcase next to the left bedside table. “We can’t stay in a nice hotel every time we stop, Jeno. We gotta start saving our money for more practical things. Like, food and gas.”___ _ _ _

______A sick feeling hits in the pit of Jeno’s stomach at the mention of saving their money. To him, Jaemin’s words are just a brutal reminder that their trip has to end soon._ _ _ _ _ _

______But instead of showing his discomfort with the situation, he whines, “but I like comfort.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“This place is plenty comfortable, Jeno! It’s a motel, not a fucking dumpster. There’s a bed, a TV, and a bathroom. That’s pretty much all we could ask for.” Jaemin puffs out a loud sigh before throwing himself onto the middle of the bed, sprawling his limbs out like a star, his blonde hair splayed against a pillow as he stares up at the ceiling. “Besides, we’re only staying here for one night anyway. I think you can handle it, tough guy.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why only one night?” Jeno sighs, plopping himself down on the right side of the bed. “We stayed in the other towns for like, two or three nights at a time.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jeno,” Jaemin says, speaking in that soft tone that he knows Jeno loves. Jeno has always been so vocal about how Jaemin’s different tones of voice make him feel, and Jaemin knows that this kind of softness makes the brown-haired boy feel comforted. “You know we have to head back towards the airport soon. I suggested that we stay at a hotel closer to the airport for the next few days but you said you wanted to drive longer.” He sighs. “I have a flight to catch, Jen.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno physically cringes at the mention of Jaemin’s dreaded flight, thankful that Jaemin is occupied with staring up at the ceiling light that desperately needs a new bulb so that he doesn’t see._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno feels bad every time he reacts poorly whenever Jaemin speaks of flights, the airport, college, or Germany, but he tells himself that he just can’t help it. He can’t help the uneasy feeling that invades his stomach whenever one of those topics are brought up. Sometimes, Jeno thinks back to the beginning of his road trip, regretting not establishing a list of forbidden words to prevent the blonde boy from so much as mentioning Germany. He wishes he would have banned the subject from coming up ever since Jaemin brought it up to him years ago, wanting nothing more than to make Jaemin feel as if the idea of leaving his home is something taboo, something downright evil and wrong._ _ _ _ _ _

______But as a dedicated best friend, he won’t let himself stomp all over Jaemin’s dreams, no matter how much he lays awake at night thinking about doing just that._ _ _ _ _ _

_______But you can’t be selfish _, a part of his heart tells him. But Jaemin is the selfish one... _he’s leaving you behind _, the other part of his heart argues.____ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I just,” Jeno starts, having to stop himself from practically begging Jaemin not to leave him, “I just don’t want our trip to end.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaemin turns his head, finally taking his eyes off the ceiling and meeting Jeno’s gaze. A soft smile grows on the blonde boy’s face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s not over yet, Jeno. We can drive a bit farther tomorrow and stay at one more place before you drop me off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno half-smiles at that, nodding cutely in agreement despite his mind screaming with thoughts about how much he doesn’t want to go through with the plan that he and Jaemin put in place._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Originally, the road trip was Jeno’s idea. He had suggested that Jaemin should book a flight at an airport very reasonably far from their city, so that they would have time to drive and enjoy each other’s company. Then, Jaemin suggested that they could stay at a hotel near the airport for a few days before Jaemin leaves, but Jeno was not on board with that idea. He had practically begged his best friend to let them keep driving for days longer instead of staying close to the airport. He even made a note to say that he was more than alright with driving all the way back home by himself if it meant that Jaemin would say yes to his idea. It took Jeno a lot of reassurance to convince Jaemin that he wouldn’t mind driving by himself, but it eventually worked when Jaemin very hesitantly agreed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When Jaemin asked him why he wanted to drive so far away, Jeno had stuttered out some barely believable excuse about wanting to see and experience more small towns. Jaemin judged him at first, but agreed nonetheless because at the end of the day he just wants to make the boy he likes happy before he leaves him, and if letting him visit random small towns would make him happy, Jaemin was more than okay with it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But he remains oblivious to the fact that Jeno only wants him to stay as far away from the airport as possible — he wants to keep Jaemin closer to him instead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“One more place,” Jeno repeats with a sigh, running a hand through his soft hair, effectively pushing back the bangs the cover his forehead. “One more place, and then we head back to the town where the airport is and you get on a plane and leave me all alone to fend for himself as I drive all the way back home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Jenooo,” Jaemin whines as he suddenly sits up, his eyebrows furrowing in frustration. “Don’t do this to me. I mean, you’re the one who suggested this! You’re the one who suggested a road trip, you’re the one who told me to book a flight from somewhere far away from home, and you’re the one who practically begged me to let you drive all the back by yoursel—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I know, I know,” Jeno interrupts, hands waving dismissively. “I’m just complaining.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaemin gives Jeno a look, but Jeno can’t seem to decipher what emotion the blonde boy is trying to show with his expression. Jaemin lays down again, finally letting his eyes fall shut as he gets as comfortable as possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Well, stop it. Complaining is my job.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t you wanna take your jacket off? Or change your pants?” Jeno asks, his voice soft but still laced with concern for his best friend’s comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaemin shakes his head in response. “Too tired. Now hush and let me take a nap.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno frowns, feeling uncertain about just letting Jaemin try to sleep in such an uncomfortable outfit. Sure, the outfit is cute — a leather jacket, which isn’t even real leather, covering a white t-shirt which is tucked into a pair of tight, black ripped jeans — but Jeno can’t help but dwell on his opinion that tight jeans are not meant to be worn when sleeping._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But he smiles when he reminds himself that sleeping in his clothes when he’s just too tired to care about comfort is just one of those quirks that makes Jaemin himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That smile falters when he reminds himself that he is going to miss all of Jaemin’s odd quirks and very specific habits so, so much. Jeno has tried so hard over the course of their road trip to forget about how much Jaemin will be missed, but now it’s the only thing he can think about as he focuses his gaze on Jaemin’s peaceful, sleeping face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno knows he’ll miss the natural pout that decorates Jaemin’s face whenever he sleeps. He’ll miss the way Jaemin’s eyebrows sometimes furrow or the way his nose twitches like a rabbit when he starts dreaming, and that’s when Jeno realizes that he’s longingly watched Jaemin sleep way more times than he is willing to admit, so he decides to make sure that Jaemin will never find out about that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Just like Jaemin decided years ago that Jeno will never find out about his feelings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________As his mind starts to run rampant with a list of traits and features that he’ll miss about Jaemin, Jeno begins to feel overwhelmed. His hand flies up to his hair and grips the brown strands tightly, and he knows that he needs to get out of that room. He can’t look at Jaemin anymore right now unless he wants to explode with anger about how much he’ll miss the boy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But when Jeno sneaks his way out of the motel room — quietly, not wanting to disturb Jaemin’s nap — and speed-walks his way down an unfamiliar sidewalk of the small town that’s clearly made to attract tourists with its cute shops, his brain never stops feeding him with things to miss about Jaemin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When he walks by an adorable coffee shop, Jeno stops in front of it, debating on buying himself an early-evening mocha. Just as he’s about to head inside, he pauses, unable to move when memories of his various coffee dates with Jaemin flood through his mind. He’ll miss those coffee dates, miss the way Jaemin sits leaned back against the uncomfortable chairs with one leg crossed over the other in a sophisticated manner, miss the way Jaemin smiles as he listens intently at whatever Jeno has to say, or the way he laughs so fondly at whatever joke he makes even if the joke isn’t very funny. That makes Jeno think of how good of a friend Jaemin is, always laughing at his occasionally poor attempt at a joke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But unbeknownst to Jeno, Jaemin always worries that his sometimes over-the-top reactions to Jeno’s words are just painfully obvious hints that he has feelings for him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno has to pull himself away from the coffee shop, accepting the fact that he will never be able to drink coffee without thinking of Jaemin for the rest of his life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He frantically speeds up his pace as he continues on his way down the sidewalk, muttering half-hearted apologies every time he bumps shoulders with someone he passes. As he hurriedly makes his way towards no specific destination, he comes to accept another realization._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He might not be able to do _anything _without thinking of Jaemin for the rest of his life.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________——————————————————————_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin’s eyes flutter open to meet the sight of the dull ceiling light._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He hates that light. It makes him so annoyed, knowing that its bulb has clearly needed a change for a few days now but none of the staff members would make an effort to do so._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He sighs and rubs his eyes as he sits up, looking around the room only to see that Jeno is still gone. Jaemin figures Jeno won’t come back for a bit anyway, knowing full well that he didn’t sleep for nearly as long as he hoped he would._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin does not like waking up without Jeno in the room, so much that his eyes well up with tears, and it doesn’t take long for those tears to roll down his cheeks as heartbreaking sobs leave his mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sure, Jaemin has woken up in a different room than Jeno more times than he can count. They have never even lived together. If anything, it would feel weird if they were to wake up in the same room together every day. He can go days and weeks without waking up in the same room as his best friend. He could even go months without it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________But it’s only now that Jaemin understands that in a few days, he won’t wake up in the same room as Jeno for years._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He might not ever wake up in the same room as Jeno again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Fifteen minutes pass before Jaemin hears the all-too-familiar sound of Jeno unlocking and opening the door to their room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Jaemin, I’m ba—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Jeno!” Jaemin calls out with urgency as he springs up from his spot on the edge of the bed, running to his best friend with open arms before wrapping himself around the brown-haired boy, who stands at the threshold looking bewildered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Uh… Jaemin?” Jeno asks, hands hesitantly making their way onto Jaemin’s back. “Are you crying?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno knows he’s crying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin nods against his chest. “Y-yeah, I am, but—” He lifts his head off of Jeno’s shoulder and sniffles. “But I don't wanna say why…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno sighs. He doesn’t know why he even bothered to ask, because whenever Jaemin cries, he almost never says the reason why, and Jeno has to train himself to be at peace with never knowing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And Jaemin is fine with that. He doesn’t want Jeno to know that he’s crying over the fact that they might never share a room again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hey, Jaemin, are you hungry? Maybe some food will cheer you up? I passed by a couple of cute little restaurants while I was on my walk. Does that sound alright?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin pulls back a little so that he can see Jeno’s face, still keeping his hands wrapped around his neck while Jeno’s hands stay on Jaemin’s back, no matter how badly Jaemin wishes Jeno would move them to his waist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno smiles, gazing into the blonde boy’s wet eyes. Jaemin sniffles, his tears still making their way down his face, but he still returns Jeno’s smile, and Jeno thinks to himself:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I’m gonna miss that smile _.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And as if their thoughts are communicating with each other Jaemin’s mind responds;_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________I’m gonna miss smiling at you _. _You make me smile more than anyone I’ve ever met _. _Who’s gonna make me smile in Germany _?______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________——————————————————————_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________A chorus of giggles fills the motel’s hallway, and Jeno swears that he has never had to hush someone so many times until now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jaemin, please,” Jeno almost begs, struggling to carry his best friend to their room. He’s very grateful for the lack of people passing them by in the hallway because he already had to deal with the judging stare of the front-desk receptionist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Please what, Jenooo?” Jaemin asks, unnecessarily dragging out the ‘O’ sound in Jeno’s name. “You didn’t finish your s— your sentence,” he slurs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Just—” Jeno sighs in relief when he stops outside of their room. “I’m gonna set you down now, okay? Can you stand on your own for a sec? I gotta unlock the door.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jenooo,” Jaemin whines, only wrapping his arms tighter around Jeno’s neck and making his legs even more secure around his waist. “Can’t stand. Both of my legs are bro—” he hiccups, “—ken.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno simply rolls his eyes. Jaemin has always been a loud, clingy drunk, but he wishes that just this once he could be quiet and calm, too tired out from the alcohol to even think of making a sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________As Jeno fumbles with the room key, Jaemin mumbles on and on about things that Jeno doesn’t quite catch. Every drunken word that leaves Jaemin’s mouth is incoherent to Jeno — until he hears his own name._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jenooo. Don’t put me down, wanna hold you. Jus’ hold me, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jaemin, I am holding you,” Jeno mutters as he opens the door, carrying Jaemin inside and kicking the door shut behind him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Hey!” Jaemin suddenly shouts, earning a harsh shush from Jeno. “Put—,” he hiccups, “—me down. ‘M not a baby.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jaemin, you just told me to hold you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Jeno whyyy why you think I’m a baby.” Jaemin giggles, and at this point Jeno has no clue what he’s even giggling about, so he gives in, sighing in exasperation as he sets Jaemin on the edge of the bed. Jaemin giggles yet again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“So… someone had a little too much wine at dinner, huh?” asks Jeno, tilting his head to the side and raising a brow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“You did!” Jaemin exclaims, his voice cracking adorably before he breaks into another fit of giggles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Mm. You need to go to sleep. You know why?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jaemin shakes his head, biting his lip to keep himself from laughing harder, but to no avail._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Because when you’re drunk like this you get hyper.” He pokes Jaemin’s nose. “And you get loud.” He pinches Jaemin’s cheek “And sometimes you get an attitude.” He pokes Jaemin’s nose again, prompting the blonde boy to go crossed eyed and let out more giggles as he falls onto his back, spreading his arms at his sides._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I don’ have attitude. Youuu have it,” Jaemin slurs, pointing an accusing finger at Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Yeah, right.” Jeno rolls his eyes, but smiles fondly nonetheless. “Alright, change into something comfortable to sleep in. You are too drunk for your own good and I’m too tired to babysit you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Unsurprisingly, Jaemin laughs at that before rolling off the bed and grabbing his strawberry PJs. He stumbles to the bathroom, not missing the chance to bump into a few things on his way there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno watches him leave the room and hopes to himself that he won’t ask for help changing. That exact scenario has happened before, on the night of Jaemin’s nineteenth birthday. That was the first display of fully Drunk Jaemin that Jeno has ever witnessed, and he was there to experience every minute of it. He was the one who stayed the night after everyone had left Jaemin’s birthday party because he didn’t want to risk leaving the boy alone when he was drunk for the first time. Jeno was also the one who forced his best friend to drink water. He was even the one who had to undress Jaemin all the way down to his duck boxers, and then dress him back up in sleepable clothing because drunk-for-the-first-time Jaemin had apparently forgotten how clothes worked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno eventually has to quite literally shake the memories out of his head. After his intense walk hours ago, he thinks it’s for the best that he reminisces his moments with Jaemin as little as possible. It will only make it that much harder to let the boy go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________At dinner, Jaemin had come to the same conclusion. He doesn’t want to think about his favorite significant moments with Jeno anymore. Not right now. Not when he’s so close to leaving Jeno behind for years to come. Not when there’s a chance that they will never create memories like that again. So, Jaemin decided to drink. It’s not like him to get drunk when something’s bothering him. Truthfully, he’s only been drunk twice before this, and he’s not sure if he trusts himself not to let his feelings for Jeno out while he’s in such a state, but he saw the opportunity to push his thoughts away, sitting right in front of him in the form of a glass of white wine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jaemin stumbles his way back out of the bathroom, but not before giggling himself when he struggles to turn off the bathroom light, which causes Jeno to roll his eyes for what has to be the 10,000th time tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I’m surprised you got yourself dressed, Jaem.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I’m not wearing a dress, silly,” comes Jaemin’s slurred response, and Jeno can’t help but laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“That is not what I said. Now come on. It’s bedtime. Bedtime for Drunk Jaemin.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________After lazily dropping his clothes on the floor near his bag, Jaemin flops onto the bed, landing on his stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno pats Jaemin’s butt before reaching over to click the lamp off, which had been left on for hours. “Goodnight, Jae—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Wait!” Jaemin exclaims, suddenly sitting up cross-legged and shifting his body to face Jeno. “Wait, wait,” he giggles, “Jen—” followed by a hiccup, “Jeno. I have to tell you something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno turns his attention away from the lamp and focuses on Jaemin. He tenses up a bit, curious as to what Jaemin might have to tell him. Truthfully, Jaemin has no idea what he wants to tell Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jaemin leans forward and grips Jeno’s shoulders, looking directly into his eyes with his mouth parted open in such an innocent way. “I love…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jeno’s eyes go wide in shock. For a moment he wonders if Jaemin is about to confess something to him. A very personal confession, the type of drunk confession that Jeno has seen in movies many, many times. The type of drunk, or even sober confession, that Jeno has been longing for from Jaemin for so long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________And for a second, Jaemin seems to sober up for the right amount of time to think of a cover-up for the secret that his intoxicated self is so close to letting out. Suddenly, his hands travel from Jeno’s shoulders down to his clothed biceps, and he continues, “I love your biceps, Jeno.” He lets out an unflattering hiccup in the middle of Jeno’s name. “They’re so big and sexy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Okay!” Jeno declares, clapping his hands loudly, which is hypocritical given how many times he told Jaemin to be quiet earlier. Jaemin finds all of this hilarious, so he laughs yet again. “Okay, yeah, you need to go to sleep. Now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Then Jaemin frowns._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I don’t like you no more. You’re no funnnn.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“It is time for all drunk people to sleep, Jaem. Every drunk person in the entire world is going to sleep right now, and I think you should join them!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jaemin gasps at that, his eyes going wide and his mouth hanging open as if Jeno just showed him something magnificent._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Whoaaa…Too bad Jeno ‘s not dru — hic! — nk. He can’t ssssleep like the rest of us.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Trust me, I can and I will.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It takes about two more minutes of Jaemin’s stalling before Jeno is finally able to turn off the lamp, and Jaemin is out cold. Jeno can already hear his soft snores as he goes to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Later, he lays next to Jaemin and stares at the dark ceiling. A lot is on his mind, mostly revolving around Jaemin. Above all right now, he really wants to know what compelled Jaemin to drink out of nowhere. He wonders if it’s because of stress, and if so, what’s stressing him out so bad to the point that he feels the need to drink in order to forget about it?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Does he regret choosing to go to Germany? _he wonders. And when Jeno shuts his eyes for the night, he wonders if maybe, just maybe, he can convince Jaemin to stay tomorrow.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. part 2 (end)

Jeno cannot convince Jaemin to stay today. 

Despite his hangover, Jaemin is still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as he yanks the ugly curtains open and lets the sunlight pour into the room. 

“Come on, Jen! Get up! We’ve got one last new town to hit before we head back to the airport!”

Jeno, who is most definitely scrolling through Twitter instead of making an effort to get up and get dressed, can practically feel his heart drop at the sound of the word Airport. 

That’s when Jeno knows that he doesn’t stand a chance against Jaemin’s excitement for Germany. The fact that the blonde boy still talks about his trip with such excitement is what does it for him. It hurts. Especially after last night when Jeno gave himself the smallest glimpse of hope that Jaemin just might be able to be swayed. 

“Why do you have so much energy?” Jeno grumbles. “Aren’t you hungover?”

“Oh, for sure. My head hurts like hell, but I’m not gonna let that ruin one of our last days together!” 

Jaemin smiles. It’s a bright smile, one of those smiles where he shows all of his teeth. Usually, Jeno would return his smile. The sight of a happy Jaemin almost always transfers the happiness to him, but this morning, Jeno can’t find it in himself to smile back. 

“Jaemin, I—” Jeno sighs. “Can you stop that?”

“Stop what?” Jaemin’s smile fades out of confusion and he tilts his head to the side innocently. 

“Stop mentioning that it’s one of our last days together and stuff.” 

“Oh…” Jaemin glances at the floor, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. He could have sworn that he’s been pretty good about not bringing up that dreaded subject. He meets Jeno’s eyes again and continues, “...I won’t bring it up anymore. But, to be fair, I haven’t talked about it that mu—”

“I know, Jaemin. I’m just—” Jeno sighs again, now sitting up and running a hand through his hair — a stress habit of his. “I’m getting frustrated, alright? Every time you bring it up it sounds like you’re excited about it, and that hurts.”

At this point, Jaemin is fully frowning. He looks conflicted as he studies Jeno’s face, trying so hard to understand where Jeno’s sudden exasperation is coming from. 

“Jeno, I am excited. But it’s not like I’m excited… that I’m about to leave you, or anything. I’m just excited that I’m going to college at my dream school. Sure, I’m not excited about the things I’ll have to lose on the way there, but… but I am excited to start a huge new chapter of my life, you know? Like, if you were me, wouldn’t you be excited when talking about finally achieving your lifelong dre—”

“I wouldn’t,” Jeno interrupts, his voice so firm that it visibly startles Jaemin. “Because if I were you, all I’d be able to think about is how goddamn much I’m gonna miss my best friend that I’m leaving behind while I’m living it up in a foreign-fucking-country.” 

Jaemin’s face drops, his eyebrows unfurrowing as the tension leaves his expression and his mouth drops open out of shock. He looks hurt, his eyes glassy, resembling that of a lost puppy. And it makes sense because truthfully, he feels lost after witnessing Jeno’s sudden mood switch. 

But he starts to wonder if it really is all that sudden. Deep down, maybe Jaemin knows that this has been building up for quite some time, just waiting to escape once Jeno hits his breaking point. It could have been building up since Jaemin called Jeno and screamed into the phone about how he had gotten accepted into his dream school. Or, maybe this has been building up since the first day of their road trip, their first and last road trip together. Or maybe this has been building up for years. Maybe this has been building up inside Jeno since the first time young Jaemin even mentioned how much he wanted to move to Germany when he grew up. 

Jeno and Jaemin must not have realized how young Jaemin would be once he grew up, because now, at age nineteen — still a baby in the eyes of many, — going to college after a gap year, Jaemin is only days away from moving to his dream country. 

“Jeno… I—”

“Just save it, Jaem.” Jeno throws up a dismissive hand as he makes his way out of bed. “I’m not in a good mood this morning. I’ll get dressed and then we can just...start driving.”

Their drive for the day is about four hours of silence beside the various sounds from outside the car, and the music that plays faintly in the background. The only words exchanged between Jeno and Jaemin are simple ones, like questions such as asking each other if they want to pull over and use the restroom, one asking if the other is hungry, and Jaemin offering to take the wheel with Jeno declining every time he asks because no matter how upset he is with Jaemin, he cares too much to let him drive for so long. Especially on unfamiliar roads. He just wants to take care of Jaemin, but Jaemin wants to do the same for him. 

“Jeno?” Jaemin’s voice is soft when he calls his best friend’s name. He sounds nervous, almost afraid to catch Jeno’s attention at a bad time. Jeno has been so irritable since their conversation back at the motel room, and Jaemin has been tense because of it. He’s seen Jeno upset many times — he’s even seen him genuinely angry — but he still can’t help but feel timid whenever Jeno shows that side of himself. 

Especially when it’s Jaemin’s fault.

“What’s up?” asks Jeno, his eyes not leaving the road in front of him for even a second. 

Jaemin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Um, I’m just hungry and I was wondering if we could pull over somewhere for dinner?”

They don’t exchange many words after that, and soon Jeno pulls into the gravel parking lot of a diner that doesn’t give off the vibe that they serve good food. Jeno and Jaemin both want to complain about how small the menu is and how none of the food sounds good to them, but neither of them do. 

They sit across from each other, remaining silent besides the few kind words they speak to their waitress, who smiles when she brings them their water. 

“Are you gonna get anything else to drink?” asks Jaemin as he peaks up from his menu, trying his best to make conversation. 

Jeno meets Jaemin’s eyes. “Um… I-I don’t know, probably not.”

Jaemin smiles. Jeno’s response comforts him, shows him that Jeno must not be that upset with him anymore.

“I don’t really know either. I don’t think the wine here is gonna be all that good, but—”

“Please don’t get wine, Jaem.”

“Why not?” Jaemin pouts. “What if I wanna get a little tipsy?”

“That’s exactly why not.” Jeno sighs. “Look, Jaem, I don’t know what’s on your mind that makes you feel the need to get drunk, but just don’t do it okay? You never drink alcohol and the fact that you randomly got drunk last night shows me that something’s wrong, and alcohol is not the right way to fix whatever is bothering you. Besides, it’s not good for you, Nana” 

“And how are you so sure that I got drunk because something might be bothering me? What if I just wanna get drunk for fun?” Jaemin challenges. It’s evident in the tone of his voice — the soft volume he speaks in and the way his words trail off — that he wants a certain kind of answer from Jeno. He wants to hear something that will show him how much Jeno cares about him. He loves knowing that Jeno looks out for him. He’s going to miss the way Jeno takes care of him. 

“Because that’s not like you, Nana.” Jeno raises an eyebrow and grins. He knows Jaemin so well, almost too well, and that makes Jaemin’s heart flutter. 

Jaemin got the kind of answer he wanted.

He loves everything about what Jeno told him — from the way his voice is firm yet caring and filled with intent, the way Jeno says his cute nickname in such a serious way. It’s all so attractive to Jaemin, and he makes a mental note that he loves being called Nana more than he thought. But only if it’s coming from Jeno’s mouth. He swears that absolutely no one will call him Nana in Germany, and he is just fine with that. He’s been called Nana by many people for many years, but he’s always liked the way Jeno says it the most. Jaemin wants it to be something reserved for Jeno, and he hopes that Jeno knows that. 

Even after dinner, Jaemin’s thoughts about Jeno don’t stop. 

He watches Jeno drive with a smile on his face as he thinks about how great of a guy his best friend is. He thinks about how cute Jeno is, with his crescent eyes and his sweet face that reminds me of a puppy. He thinks about how kind Jeno is. And how generous he is, proven by the fact that he offered to drive Jaemin to the airport even if it means that he will have to drive home all by himself. 

Jaemin thinks about how much he doesn’t deserve Jeno. To him, Jeno is a selfless saint for sticking by Jaemin’s side all these years. Maybe, Jeno deserves a better person to call his best friend. Someone who isn’t so picky. Maybe someone who isn’t such a diva, someone who doesn’t complain nearly as much as Jaemin does. 

Maybe Jeno deserves a best friend who isn’t leaving him for another country. 

And before he knows it, Jaemin is crying. Silent tears roll down his cheeks as he reminds himself that he is the worst best friend in the world. 

“Jeno?” 

Jaemin’s voice cracks. He sounds broken, and that alone is enough to make Jeno turn his head quickly to face the blonde boy, hurting his neck a little in the process, but he can’t bring himself to care about the minor pain when Jaemin is crying his name right next to him. 

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, voice soft and gentle. He shows Jaemin his worried expression before turning to face the road again. 

“You know how earlier I said I didn’t want the fact that these are our last days together to ruin today?” 

Jeno hesitates for a moment, biting his lip before letting out a quiet; “yeah?”

“I let it happen anyways,” Jaemin sobs, “and I am so, so sorry, Jeno. I shouldn’t have brought it up. If I hadn’t said that this morning then maybe we would have had a good time today instead of spending hours in silence just… just hating each other.”

Jaemin’s words fade into loud sobs as he cries into his hands, his body shaking at the intensity of his own crying. 

”Jaemin…” Jeno’s voice falters, despite his deep pitch and the firm tone he tries to put on in an attempt to be the strong one in the situation. Seeing Jaemin cry so hard because of him breaks his heart, almost more than the fact that Jaemin is leaving him. He knows Jaemin well, too well, and he knows that if he cries too, Jaemin’s tears will only worsen.

“Jaemin, I’m sorry,” Jeno continues. It takes everything in him to not take his eyes off the road and look at Jaemin with emotional eyes, but he knows that Jaemin will only tell him to put his eyes right back on the road if he looks away for too long. They have had that conversation several times throughout their trip, and many times before it with Jeno always arguing that he drives great even when he ignores the road. The conversation always ends with Jaemin grinning devilishly when Jeno eventually gives in and focuses on the road to please his best friend.

“Please, Jaemin, don’t cry. It’s not your fault, you shouldn’t feel bad for bringing it up. I made you feel that way, but I shouldn’t have. I was—” Jeno sighs, “I’ve been selfish, Jaem. I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve been selfish?” Jaemin sniffles, wiping his already tear-stained and swollen face with his sleeve. “How?”

“Because I told you not to talk about something that makes you happy, for my own benefit. I mean, I should be happy for you, Nana. And I am! I really am. I just— It’s so hard to be reminded of the fact that you’re leaving.” 

Jaemin blinks dumbly, not knowing what to say at this point. He’s conflicted — if he apologizes, Jeno will tell him not to. But that would only give Jaemin the urge to argue that he needs to, that he wants to apologize for making Jeno sad. 

He decides to stay silent, save for his high-pitched sobs and constant sniffles.

Jeno breaks the silence.

“You know, Jaemin… you said we spent all day hating each other?” He leaves room for a pause, but neither he nor Jaemin says a word. Jaemin only sniffles. “But I want you to know that I didn’t spend any time hating you today. I’ve never hated you. And I don’t hate you now.” He pauses again, glancing at the boy next to him. “Do you hate me now, Nana?”

Jaemin avoids all eye contact with Jeno, turning his attention to the darkening sky and the spaced-out buildings that they pass. 

He inhales a sharp breath before letting it out shakily. Jeno tenses up. When Jaemin breathes that way it always means that he is about to let something off his chest, something out of his mind — something he’s been waiting patiently for the right moment to say, if there could ever be a right moment. 

“No. I-I don’t hate you either, Jeno.” He chuckles as he wipes his eyes, the sound of his laughter catching Jeno off guard, because how could anyone be laughing at a time like this? “It’s quite the opposite, actually.”

Jeno pulls up to a stoplight, leading the line of cars behind them as he slows to a stop. The soft, “Jaemin, what?” that leaves his lips brings a half-smile to Jaemin’s face. 

Jeno takes his hands off the wheel. He can finally look at Jaemin without the responsibilities of driving safety getting in his way.

“I tell you almost everything, Jeno.”

“Right.” Jeno nods. 

“I always tell you when I like someone.” 

Jeno does nothing. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t nod. He only listens to Jaemin as his heartbeat quickens — which is something he desperately tries to ignore.

“But there was this one time…when I realized that I really liked someone and I never told you. I felt so guilty. I hated myself for hiding it from you of all people, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to tell you about this guy because it would only make me sadder that—'' a new batch of tears threaten to roll their way out from Jaemin’s eyes, and he sniffles. “—that I could never be with this guy because one of us won’t be around here forever…”

Jeno’s thoughts run wild. He feels overwhelmed, even more so than that stressful walk he took the day before. He wonders, Jaemin, are you saying what I hope you’re saying? Because he truly can’t tell if that is what his best friend is trying to tell him. It feels unreal, too cheesy, and too good to be true. Like the confession scene in a rom-com that the audience has been waiting for the entire movie, but this is real life. It isn’t scripted. 

But he lets Jaemin continue, and Jeno has never been more thankful for an absurdly long wait time at a stoplight because if Jeno were driving when he hears Jaemin’s next words, he can promise that he would have spun off the road.

“I’m in love with you, Jeno.” 

That’s when Jeno sneakily pinches himself on the arm without Jaemin noticing. He winces in pain, and that’s how he knows that this isn’t a dream. 

“I have been for s—” Jaemin sniffles loudly, earning a sympathetic head tilt from Jeno. “—so long, Jeno. Too long. Years. It’s been years. A-and maybe it was obvious, I don’t know, I don’t know anything right now because I’m freaking out but the only thing I do know is that I am so sorry for dumping this on you a few days before I leave. Maybe this was a bad idea— but I had to tell you. I had to. I think. Now I’m rethinking it.”

Jeno’s thoughts are loud. Shouting, practically. No, please, don’t rethink this. Rethink going to Germany instead. Please, his mind screams at Jaemin. 

“I’m sorry, Jeno.” 

Now Jaemin’s head is buried in his hands as he cries, body shaking every now and then at the intensity of his sobs. It’s dramatic, but it’s real and emotional, and Jeno realizes that it’s his turn to talk. 

“Wow, Jaemin,” he huffs out. He runs a hair through his hair. “I-I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s…” he lets out another breath as he desperately tries to collect himself. He so badly wants to remain the strong and calm one in the situation, but he’s almost accepted that it might be impossible. “I mean, wow, like, I guess it’s kind of a relief? Although it… it hurts a lot knowing that you feel the same way I’ve felt for years, but you’re about to leave. I don’t really know what to do with this, Jaem..” 

The words come out much more steady and calm than Jeno had expected, much to his surprise. The tone of his voice shows how honest he is — he truly does not know what to do with the knowledge that Jaemin loves him. 

Jeno’s calm moment is interrupted when Jaemin’s frantic demeanor returns to the atmosphere. 

“Shit, Jeno,” he curses, “maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I just—” 

“Jaemin.” 

Jaemin’s mouth shuts immediately and he gives his full attention to Jeno. His bottom lip still quivers a bit and his eyes are watery, but he listens. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this. And I can’t believe I’m so calm right now, but maybe it’s because what I’m about to say feels...right. Maybe I’m wrong, but… m-maybe we could work something out?” Jeno’s voice breaks, accidentally letting the small amount of confidence he has left in his words before he nervously stammers, “Like we could— I-I don’t know, we could just...do something? Y’know, ‘cause, it could be our last chance to do....anything...” His words trail off when he suddenly makes a realization within Jaemin’s eyes. 

He realizes that they have wasted so much of their time talking. Over the years of their friendships, Jeno knew there were so many opportunities to confess. He thinks of all the random, almost pointless conversations they’ve had at times where there was an awkward silence to fill — or the times they’d have when sleeping over at each other’s houses where they would eventually end up bored and on their phones, random meaningless flying from their mouths so as to keep each other somewhat entertained, and it is only now that Jeno realizes that he could have used any of those times to tell Jaemin how he feels. 

Now, Jaemin is in the passenger seat of Jeno’s car. They’re at an unusually long-lasting stoplight, and suddenly, seemingly without being fully aware of their minds or bodies anymore, they’re leaning in — closer and closer until their lips are finally together, like they could have been years ago. 

But the kiss doesn’t last nearly as long as either of the boys hoped it would. The stoplight was suddenly bright green, but their lips didn’t detach until the antsy driver behind them honked their horn. 

Startled, Jeno’s hands quickly find their way to the steering wheel again while Jaemin anxiously nibbles his fingernails as he looks out the window. There’s an unspoken agreement that Jeno will definitely be pulling into the next motel he sees. 

——————————————————————

“Mm— Jeno—” Jaemin finally gathers the strength to pull his mouth off of Jeno’s, resting their foreheads together as they both catch their breaths. “Let’s go inside. It’s dark out and I’m gonna start getting scared if we stay out here any longer.” Jaemin takes his forehead off of Jeno’s and leans back a bit. “Besides, don’t you think we should um...y-you know, get more comfortable?” Jaemin suggests, all attempts of trying to sound sexy being thrown out the window as he stumbles over his words and shifts awkwardly in his seat. 

“Really?” asks Jeno, voice going up in pitch with his question. “You don’t wanna stay here?” He tilts his head, the action a little too innocent for their current situation. “On the contrary, I think the mood is perfect. Car sex is hot, and it’s dark out, which means no one is going to be hanging out in the parking lot right now, which means no one will see us, and—”

“Jeno. Inside. Now.” 

Neither of the boys has ever rushed a check-in process quite like they do tonight — Jaemin shifts from side to side and abuses his fingernails with his teeth while Jeno hurriedly talks to the tired receptionist, trying his best not to be rude while he tries to speed the process along. 

As soon as they reach their room, they’re kissing again, almost forgetting to set their luggage down and shut the door. It’s Jaemin who snaps back into reality and realizes that they had stumbled into the room without closing the door. 

On his way back to Jeno from the door, Jaemin stops in the middle and looks around the room. Jeno recognizes the face he makes all too well — his eyebrows are furrowed, his nose is scrunched, and he looks utterly displeased. Jaemin does not like their room. 

“It smells in here,” Jaemin complains, and Jeno can’t help but chuckle. Jaemin sniffs the air, briefly resembling a bunny. “Don’t laugh, I’m serious. It smells.” 

“I mean, it’s a motel, Nana. Did you expect it to smell like roses?” 

“It’s not just the smell!” Jaemin exclaims. “This… this whole room sucks! It’s filthy!” 

Jeno smirks, to which Jaemin narrows his eyes in disapproval at Jeno’s smug expression. 

“Look who’s complaining now. You got on my ass for complaining about the last place, so now I can get on your ass. Although, I was already planning to get on your ass tonight, but like, for a different reason.” 

“Jeno.” 

“What? Too much? I’m sorry—”

“Just kiss me.” 

And he does. Jeno does much more than simply kiss the blonde boy, and before either of them knows it, Jaemin is lying underneath Jeno with half of his clothes off and discarded somewhere in the motel room. Jaemin was about to complain that his clothes would get “gross motel cooties” from being on the floor, but Jeno was quick to shut him up with another kiss. 

Jeno pulls away, and Jaemin groans in annoyance, because what could he possibly have to say right at this moment? 

When Jaemin looks up at Jeno and sees that infamous mischievous grin, Jaemin’s question is sort of answered — he just knows that Jeno is about to say something stupid. 

“You know how you always complain about your ass hurting when we’re in the car for too long?” 

Jaemin props himself up on his elbows and stares Jeno down with the most displeased look he can muster. “Yeah?” he answers, voice laced with utter confusion. 

“Well,” Jeno continues, “it’ll be about ten times worse tomorrow.” 

Jaemin blinks slowly. “That… was so stupid.” 

“No, but like— do you get the joke? Like we’re gonna have sex and your ass is gonna hurt—” 

“ _Your _ass is gonna start hurting because I’m about to kick it if you don’t shut up and kiss me right this second.”__

__—————————————————_ _

__Jaemin wakes up to the feeling of gentle kisses on his neck._ _

__He groans — a result of him not wanting to be awake — and he turns around in Jeno’s arms. At first, he thinks of scolding Jeno for waking him up with kisses, but when he sees Jeno’s goofy grin and hears the deep “Good morning” that he greets him with, Jaemin can only smile and let out a quiet laugh._ _

__“Good morning,” he responds, his bottom lip now trapped under his two front teeth._ _

__“You’re biting your lip,” Jeno points out, reaching out to brush some of Jaemin’s hair back. “Are you nervous?”_ _

__“No, no… I’m just— I don’t know, I just always get like this the morning after—you know what? Nevermind. This is embarrassing.”_ _

__“Cute,” Jeno chuckles. “But you didn’t seem that embarrassed last night when y—”_ _

__“Anyways!” Jaemin cuts him off, removing Jeno’s hand from his hair and sitting up uncomfortably against the headboard of the bed. He takes a look around the room, studying the room much better than he had the night before. “I can’t believe I let you fuck me in this room. It’s literally gross. This room is gross.”_ _

__“You’re gross. You’re literally gross.”_ _

__The boys continue to immaturely insult each other, some of their words more hurtful than they need to be. But they both know that they mean no harm to each other. That’s just what they do. That’s how their friendship works. It always has worked that way._ _

__And that makes Jaemin happy, knowing that his and Jeno’s friendship still works the same as it always has despite the events of the night before, and all of their emotional conversations over the course of their road trip._ _

__It makes Jaemin happy, knowing that even after spending a night with his legs wrapped around his best friend’s waist, his relationship with Jeno is still the same. Nothing has changed._ _

__Except now Jaemin just might love Jeno a little more than he already did._ _

__—————————————————_ _

__It takes the boys a little longer than usual to shower and get dressed before checking out and making their way to the car. They blame it on the fact that ever since the night before, neither of them can keep their hands off each other._ _

__They can’t even keep their eyes off each other, proven by Jaemin having to remind Jeno to focus on the road three times when they have barely even left the parking lot._ _

__Jeno doesn’t want to look at the road. It only reminds him more of the part of the trip they’re on — the part he has dreaded the most since the road trip started. The part where he and Jaemin turn the car around and head back the way they came — the direction of the airport._ _

__While Jeno and Jaemin were making their way out of the motel, Jaemin had described the airport as somewhat of a halfway point between home, and the motel itself. It’s mostly true, but Jeno wanted to argue that his drive from the airport to home will feel painfully lonely whether the airport is halfway or not._ _

__Jeno is not looking forward to his lonely drive, but he can’t back out of it now. All he can do is enjoy his last couple of days with Jaemin, and he plans to do just that. He’s going to enjoy all of Jaemin — his laugh, his smile, his pouting, his complaining, his sass, his jokes, everything about him — he will enjoy him until he flies away. He is going to love Jaemin all the way to his gate at the airport._ _

__He’ll even love Jaemin when he drives all the way back home by himself._ _

__And he won’t stop loving Jaemin. Not even when he arrives at his apartment and cries about the blonde boy who will eventually be missing from his life._ _

__He loves Jaemin, and Jaemin loves him back; they love each other. They love each other at every place they stay on their way to the dreaded airport. They kiss at every place they stay, needily, greedy for each other, as if to make up for all the times they could have been doing this before, and all of the times that they won’t be able to do this because Jaemin will soon be in another country._ _

__They stay at every place they already stayed, minus the 4-star hotel that ends up getting replaced by another less luxurious motel for budgetary reasons._ _

__Every night, they do everything. They hug, they cuddle, they kiss, they make out, they do every intimate thing they can think of, and when Jaemin wakes up on the morning of his flight, he is unbelievably sore._ _

__It’s a rough morning with a lot of words left unspoken as Jeno pulls Jaemin into a kiss that lasts too long, yet still not long enough before Jaemin has to pry himself off of Jeno._ _

__“I’m gonna get dressed now,” Jaemin whispers, to which Jeno sighs._ _

__Jeno woke up tense. He feels it in his blood and knows in his mind that another immature outburst of wanting to call Jaemin selfish is building up inside of him, and he does all that he can to keep it hidden and buried. He can’t afford to fuck up his last few hours with Jaemin because of his own pain._ _

__With a look of longing on his face, he sits up and watches Jaemin search for an outfit in his bag. The sight is bittersweet — the sweet is Jaemin himself. Jeno could sit and watch the blondie do anything for hours. He loves to just look at Jaemin. But in comes the bitter — the fact that he’s watching Jaemin move one step closer to leaving his life for years to come, potentially even for good._ _

__“Nana, I just need you to know that you cannot sleep with anyone in Germany. Well, unless it’s me when I eventually come and visit you,” Jeno jokes, but he is not really joking._ _

__Jaemin giggles. “So, I can’t have a sex life in Germany?”_ _

__“Jaemin, you barely had a sex life up until a couple nights ago, so—”_ _

__“What the hell! You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve had sex so many times, Jeno.”_ _

__“You literally hadn’t had sex in a year until the first night we did it. It’s like your virginity grew back or something.”_ _

__Jaemin frowns at that. “You know, I’m really glad I’m moving to Germany now. Maybe the guys in Germany are way less mean than you.”_ _

__“So now I’m mean for pointing out the truth?” Jeno scoffs playfully, throwing in a little eye roll and an annoying grin. “Typical.”_ _

__“Oh my god, Jeno.” Jaemin sighs and sets down the oversized black sweatshirt that he’s picked out and crawls onto the bed. “Just kiss me one more time so I can go shower.”_ _

__“Or, alternatively: we both shower now.”_ _

__“Or alternatively you shut up.”_ _

___Or alternatively _, Jeno thinks, _you stay here with me _.____ _ _

______—————————————————_ _ _ _ _ _

______An hour passes before the two end up in the car again, for what Jeno thinks might be the most depressing car ride with Jaemin that he will ever experience._ _ _ _ _ _

______It might even be the last car ride with Jaemin that he’ll ever experience._ _ _ _ _ _

______The ride is relatively quiet, neither Jeno nor Jaemin exchange many words, and Jeno does not like it. If he could have it his way, he would be talking up a storm, giving Jaemin a list of reasons why he absolutely should not and cannot get on his flight._ _ _ _ _ _

______But he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t let any of his thoughts become words. He doesn’t give Jaemin that list of reasons why, because with just one glance at Jaemin, he knows that he can’t change his mind. Jeno sees the blonde’s smile, sees how content and happy his best friend looks. He doesn’t fail to notice that Jaemin is clearly okay with how quiet the ride has been._ _ _ _ _ _

______And Jaemin is okay with it. He isn’t sure what else there is to say to Jeno. He had already told him everything he was holding in for years, and now it feels as if there aren’t many words left. Jeno knows how Jaemin feels now, and Jaemin knows that Jeno feels the same way, so why can’t Jaemin feel at peace with that?_ _ _ _ _ _

______He can feel at peace with it. Jaemin has been at peace for the last few days he’s spent loving Jeno and letting Jeno love him harder._ _ _ _ _ _

______But the peace suddenly feels disrupted when Jeno’s voice suddenly catches his ear with a soft call of his name. Jaemin’s smile fades for a second, dreading the likelihood that Jeno is going to say something stupid — or worse, he’ll complain about Jaemin leaving again and make him feel guilty._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jaemin?” Jeno calls again. Jaemin took too long to answer the first time. He was busy staring out the window and dreading Jeno’s next words._ _ _ _ _ _

______Startled, Jaemin turns to face Jeno. “Yes, Jeno?” He offers Jeno a sweet smile, a hopeful smile, trying to show that he really hopes that Jeno won’t start trying to make him feel bad._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are you um…” Jeno sighs, already regretting what he’s about to ask. But he doesn’t stop himself. “Are you really sure you wanna go to Germany?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaemin’s smile is gone again. It disappears very quickly as he holds himself back from saying, No shit I’m sure I want to go, we’re not even that far from the airport. Why would I change my mind now?_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaemin doesn’t answer, but Jeno doesn’t seem to mind, because he continues on anyway. Something tells Jaemin that he would’ve kept talking regardless._ _ _ _ _ _

______“‘Cause I mean, there’s no me in Germany.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jeno.” Jaemin’s voice is low and deep, his eyebrows are furrowed and he can’t even think of a way to describe how much disbelief he’s in that Jeno would say something so immature. “I know there’s no you in Germany, alright? I know. There’s no you in Germany, there are no friends in Germany, there’s no family in Germany, and it’s scary. But it’s my dream, Jeno. You know that. We’ve had this conversation so many times.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“But don’t you think you’re being kind of selfish, Nana? We’ve spent the last few nights getting very intimate with each other and we confessed our feelings, but you still want to leave?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You thought that us having sex a few times was going to change my mind? What the hell, Jeno?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m just saying!” Jeno exclaims, raising his voice a little too loud for Jaemin’s liking. It’s even too loud for his own liking. He’s just too far gone in wanting to keep Jaemin by his side to notice. “Like, it feels sort of unfair that you—”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Unfair? You wanna talk about unfairness, Jeno?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______And then he yells. Jaemin raises his voice and he yells, he genuinely shouts at Jeno for what might be the first time ever. It takes a lot to get Jaemin to the point of yelling, and Jeno can’t believe that he’s the one who brought the blonde boy to that point._ _ _ _ _ _

______Just as Jaemin continues, they pull up to a stoplight._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Remember when you moved to Japan for three years out of nowhere?” Jaemin yells, his throat suffering painful consequences as he expresses his anger, “remember when your parents gave you the choice to stay here or move there when we were kids, and you chose Japan because you always wanted to go there? Did I call you selfish for that?!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jaem, I—”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, Jeno,” Jaemin answers for him, finally letting himself calm down. His voice goes soft again. “I didn’t call you selfish. I was crushed, but even as a kid I understood that it was your dream to go to Japan. Obviously, you would take the chance to live there. Can you not see that I feel the exact same way about Germany? My Germany is your Japan. You had the chance to live in your dream place, and I didn’t call you selfish. But now that I’ve got my chance to do the same, you’re trying to make me feel guilty? Jeno, I just— I think you’re the one being selfish right now!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaemin exhales loudly, blowing some of his hair up and out of his face in the process._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Let’s just not do this, Jeno. I don’t want our last few minutes together to end on a bad note.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, Jaemin, you’re right. I’m sorry. I am being selfish. I’ve been selfish this whole time and I’m sorry. I’m just— I’m gonna miss you, Nana. So much. Too much.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s… it’s okay I guess, Jen. I know you’re just acting out of emotion. I understand. And for the record, you haven’t been totally selfish. I mean, you’ve been taking really good care of me during this whole trip. You even dealt with me when I was drunk. And you’re even gonna drive back home all by yourself just so you can drop me off at the airport. I don’t think a selfish person would do all that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaemin smiles, but Jeno doesn’t see it. He doesn’t look at Jaemin, only focuses on the road in front of him as the stoplight finally turns green. Mentally, Jeno is tearing himself apart for being so selfish. It’s as if everything Jaemin just told him went right over his head, because in his own eyes, Jeno is still selfish._ _ _ _ _ _

______Somehow, Jaemin can tell what’s going on in Jeno’s mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______So he tries to lighten the mood._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I think that’s the first time I’ve ever yelled at you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jaemin’s sweet giggle is all it takes to get Jeno to snap out of his thoughts and turn to face the boy, but only for a second before giving his attention to the road again._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It is,” Jeno chuckles. “It feels like we’ve been having a lot of first times lately.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______And that’s true. The amount of first times they’ve had over the last few days is almost funny to Jeno, especially when he thinks about how they could have had these first times a long time ago if either of them would have confessed sooner._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno also finds it funny, finds it amusing, that he and Jaemin have had so many of their first times recently, and yet it feels like their friendship is coming to an end. They had their first kiss — in Jeno’s car, at a stoplight, lots of emotions and tension surrounding both of them as they seemed to explain everything they had been feeling for each other with that kiss. They had sex for the first time (and many times after that) and Jeno is so thankful that their first time didn’t end up being their last time. But last night, they had their real last time, and Jeno found it heartbreakingly beautiful._ _ _ _ _ _

______Not all of these first times had been good, though. Just minutes ago, Jaemin got genuinely angry with Jeno for the first time. Although Jeno has never wanted to be the cause of Jaemin being upset, part of him is glad that it finally happened. It will always be a significant memory for him._ _ _ _ _ _

______They even confessed their love to each other — Jaemin confessed his at that stoplight, where they had their first kiss, while Jeno confessed his when they fucked for the first time._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno finds it ironic — how he is so madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with Jaemin, yet he wants to hate him. He wants to hate him for leaving._ _ _ _ _ _

______But he reminds the boy that he loves him anyway._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you.” Jeno smiles._ _ _ _ _ _

______The words are music to Jaemin’s ears. He smiles, surprised at the sudden declaration, but he returns the same words._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_______Then stay _. _If you love me then stay _. _Stay here and love me _.______ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________—————————————————_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________From the very start of the road trip, Jeno assumed that dropping Jaemin off at the airport wouldn't feel real._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________But as he slows to a stop in the crowded, stress-inducing drop off zone, it is all too real. He can’t lie to himself anymore. Jaemin is really leaving. It’s real when he mutters to Jaemin that he’ll help him with his luggage. It’s even more real when they both step out of the car and carry Jaemin’s things up to the sidewalk. It’s very real when Jeno takes a moment to look around at all of the people surrounding them — people leaving each other, people embracing their loved ones as if it’s their last time seeing one another for way too long — and it’s much too real when Jeno realizes that he and Jaemin are about to become those people._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He sighs and shuts his trunk before stepping up to Jaemin’s level on the sidewalk. Jaemin has a smile on his face, a kind of unreadable smile that is showing too many emotions at once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Is that everything?” Jeno asks. He knows it’s everything, and Jaemin knows that he knows. Jeno’s attempt at stalling is obvious._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yep,” Jaemin exhales. “That’s… that’s all my stuff. I mean, it’s not that much. I’m only just now realizing how much more stuff I’m gonna need.” Jaemin chuckles nervously, starting to feel a bit unprepared for the biggest move of his life so far._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t worry. Your parents have all of your stuff, remember? The guys and I helped you clean out your apartment and then we drove the things you wanted to keep to your parents' house?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No I know, I do remember that. I just— wow, moving is stressful.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’s okay, Nana. They’ll send your stuff to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin nods, but he isn’t any calmer. He swallows hard and picks at the collar of his shirt that suddenly feels too tight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Jaemin,” Jeno says, firmly, “It’s going to be alright.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know, I know, It’s just—” Jaemin sniffles, blinking a few times to keep the tears in his eyes. He gives up when he makes direct eye contact with Jeno, and he cries, “there’s just a lot happening.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know,” Jeno whispers, taking Jaemin into his arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________They cry against each other, softly and quietly, the harsh reality finally settling that they probably won’t see each other for four years or more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It’s Jaemin who decides to end the hug, but his arms stay secured around Jeno’s neck while the latter’s hands stay firmly placed on Jaemin’s hips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Um…” Jaemin searches for the right words to make a desperate attempt at lightening the mood. “You know we can call and text all the time, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yeah, of course. It just uh… it just won’t be the same.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“A lot of things won’t be the same anymore, Jen.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The two stare into each other’s eyes, as if trying to tell each other something without words. Jaemin’s eyes try to tell Jeno that he is so sorry for leaving, and that he really hopes to see him again someday. Jeno’s eyes seem to understand the message, and they return one, one that tells the blonde boy that he doesn’t have to apologize for making one of his dreams come true._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno suddenly snaps out of his trance, shaking his head and clearing his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Y-you should probably go, huh? You’ve uh— you’ve got a flight to catch.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________But Jeno’s actions contradict his words as he leans in to kiss Jaemin, who softly utters, “wait. Are you okay with kissing in front of all these people?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno giggles quietly. “Who cares? They are not looking at us, they are not going to notice us. They are not looking at us and we are not looking at them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He takes a pause, and then that mischievous grin grows on his face, and Jaemin just knows he’s going to say something stupid._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You wanna know who I’m looking at?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaemin rolls his eyes. “Who?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And they kiss. They kiss one last time before Jaemin takes his bags and makes his way to the double doors that lead into the airport. He quickly turns around to wave at Jeno, who unsurprisingly hasn’t moved from his spot despite the drivers behind him who nag him to get the hell back into his car and drive away. Jeno waves back and looks away for a split second when he gets distracted by the honk of a car behind him, and when he looks forward again, Jaemin is gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________By the time it’s dark, Jeno is still on the road all by his lonesome. The depressing journey back home hasn’t completely broken him — at least not until a painfully familiar song plays on the radio._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He recognizes its faint melody, and his hands nearly reach to turn the song up, but his rushing mind stops it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________His hand doesn’t listen, and he grips the stereo’s volume knob and twists it to the right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As he lets the sound of Without You fill the car, he reminisces. He thinks of all of their moments on their road trip, all the times where it seemed as if there was a glimpse of hope that Jaemin just might change his mind about leaving. All the times that Jaemin laughed so hard to the point of crying at something Jeno said, the times Jeno clearly made Jaemin so genuinely happy that maybe he considered staying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He lets out tears that he didn’t even know had been waiting in his eyes. The lonely drive has broken him, and he’s nowhere near home. He has no idea how he’s going to survive days in the car alone — especially when every stop light he hits reminds him of Jaemin’s confession at that absurdly long stop light from a few nights before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno isn’t so sure if he’ll ever be able to look at a stoplight again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________—————————————————_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno is close to home. Only a couple more towns left to stop at until he makes it back to everything he is familiar with. His friends, his family, his school, his small apartment, everything — but not Jaemin, not the person he’s most familiar with because that person is now settled into a new home in a new country._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno exhales as his back hits the uncomfortable bed underneath him, the less than ideal comfort level reminding him of complaining about various motels with Jaemin. He chuckles at the memory, wondering if Jaemin complained about his tiny German apartment the moment he stepped foot inside it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He nearly drops his phone on his face, startled when the device lights up and an annoying ringtone blares. He almost doesn’t believe it when he sees that Jaemin is calling him. He hadn’t called him at all yet, only sent a few short but sweet texts since he’d arrived in Germany. Jeno isn’t too upset about the lack of communication, he figures Jaemin is stressed and busy with moving into a new country, but oh God, now Jaemin is calling him and he has no idea what to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Obviously, answer it, you idiot _, his mind scolds him.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So he does. He answers it. He accepts the call and puts the phone on speaker and bites his lip in anticipation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin doesn’t speak first._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Jaemin…?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Hi, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Holy shit, hi! Hi, Jaemin! Wow, I have so many things to say but none of them are coming to mind. I’m so unprepared for this, holy shit. I already said holy shit but I’m just so excited to hear your voice again. I should probably stop talking so I can actually hear your voice— so how’s Germany so far, Nana? Isn’t it late for you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, Jeno. It’s late for you. You’re seven hours ahead of me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Oh…well, whatever! Answer my question, Nana, how’s Germany?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno hears some unidentifiable sound, something like shuffling before Jaemin’s shaky voice answers, “I hate it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno’s eyes go wide. It finally hits him that Jaemin’s voice sounded different from the very first thing he said, and he sounds as if he's crying, or trying not to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What? Jaemin, how can you hate it already? You just got—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I-I hate the people. No, I don’t hate the people, that sounded bad. That’s not what I meant to say. I mean— I mean I hate that none of the people are you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Jaemin… what?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m scared, Jeno, I’m so scared,” Jaemin sobs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Jaemin, hey. It’s okay to be scared. I mean, starting a new chapter of your life in a new country? Anyone would be scared, baby. it’s gonna take time, but I know you’ll adjust to it. You’ve wanted this for so long. Don’t let fear get in the way of your dreams now that you’ve come so far.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Thank you, Jeno. He sniffles. “That’s so sweet.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Silence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“But that’s not why I’m scared.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Then what are you scared of, Jaem?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m scared because you were right.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Right about what, Jaemin? I don't understand.” Jeno starts to get frustrated, evident in the way his voice suddenly becomes sterner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m scared because there’s no you. Just like you said. There’s no you in Germany. You were right, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno’s world stops right then and there, but only for a second as he thinks back to their conversation, their conversation about selfishness and unfairness, when he told Jaemin that he should reconsider his decision because there is no Jeno in Germany._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin hears a deep, long sigh, and it makes him nervous. On the other end of the call, he’s shaking, biting his fingernails down to the flesh, and Jeno says;_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You’re right, Jaemin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There’s no me in Germany.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that's that!! i feel like it's a bit messy but formatting on here is not my friend yet. hopefully it doesn't look dumb and you can tell which parts i meant to imply as thoughts rather than actual quotes or descriptions. other than that hope it was okay :)


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